Grief reactions are seen in cases of real or perceptual loss. It is expected that the reaction to the loss in the ordinary mourning process will be proportional to the loss situation. Reactions that are given more or less than expected are a sign that there are situations that do not go well with the grief process. For example; Parents reacting more than normal in case of leaving the home of all children called "empty nest syndrome" informs that the mourning process is not going well. Similarly, the unresponsiveness of a person who encounters the death-related loss of a loved one is equally alarming and an abnormal process.
Grief reactions of people are as specific as fingerprints. Besides, the type of loss is what was expected and determines the degree of response to the loss, such as the meaning attributed to the loss and the social support left behind. Vamık Volkan states in his book 'Life After Loss: The Lessons of Grief' that there are four factors that disrupt the usual mourning capacity. First one; It is the situation of not meeting the childhood needs associated with the emotional structure of the person and experiencing multiple losses. Latter; The situation of unfinished jobs or being in an overly dependent relationship that is related to the lost person. Third one is related to the form of loss such as being sudden, dying badly and so on. The fourth is the restrictions on the manifestation of grief associated with culture. In these cases, the mourning process becomes difficult.
Although individuals' interpretation of loss and grief reactions are multidimensional, there are periods observed in the usual grief process. These periods are not mechanical. Each stage does not happen and finish, periods can be intertwined. Some may occur later, quietly and repetitively.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargain
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
1. Denial
Denial is the first and major stage of mourning. The duration, form and extent of denial inform us about dealing with loss or chronicity of grief. At this stage, you are in shock and deny reality. "No, it can't be, he's not dead, you are lying" responses are indications of denial. Some people do not express this and may reflect the death knell with their actions by ignoring the knell.
At this stage, life becomes meaningless and you feel numb. You may feel like you are in a dream, you think nothing has any value. This is a temporary reaction that prepares us for sadness. Over time, our mind “convertes” the painful truth, allowing us to tolerate it. When you accept the reality of the loss and start asking yourself questions, you unknowingly begin the healing process. You are getting stronger now and the denial has started to fade. But as you progress, any emotions you deny rise to the surface. One of the most intense experiences is anger and guilt.
2. Anger
When denial begins to fade, our sense of anger comes out. Our anger has no limits; It can be aimed at inanimate objects, strangers, friends, family or even the creator. We can be angry with the lost person for leaving us and making us suffer. We can feel guilty because we are angry and direct our anger towards ourselves. Culturally, we live in a society in which the expression of anger is blocked. Anger at this stage is another indicator of the intensity of your love. Voluntary is not an option, it should not be denied (unless it turns into aggression, of course).
3. Bargain
The person with the loss usually tries to reconcile with the creator, depending on his or her level of belief. We begin to believe that there are different things we can do to bring our loved ones back to life. We may find ourselves thinking, "Take 5 years from my life, let it come back" or "Let this be a bad dream, I will devote the rest of my life to helping others." Often, bargaining is accompanied by guilt. This stage is the final attempt to make up for the loss. The next stop will be the one where the loss is perceived.
4. Depression
For the first time, the thought that "that person is gone" becomes clear. At this stage, we begin to realize gradually that he will no longer come back. The thought that your loved one will not come back is understandably depressing. You experience intense feelings of grief, sadness, hopelessness, meaninglessness, uncertainty and the feeling that it will last forever prevails. Depression is one of many necessary steps along the way in grief. This is the usual situation. It would be unusual for a loved one not to experience depression after death. Our expectation is that it will decrease over time.
5. Acceptance
This stage is often confused with the 'everything is fine' situation. It is definitely not such a process. We don't feel better at the loss of a loved one. We only accept the fact that the person we love is physically gone, and even though we never like it, we assimilate that this new reality is permanent. Now we learn to live with it. When we start living again and enjoying certain things, we can feel betraying our loved ones. We can never replace the one we lost, but new relationships with people can form new bonds. We can start living again with this pain and returning to our daily routine after it is over. It is inevitable that these stages will be experienced again periodically.
As we mentioned above, the grief process is a personal and singular experience - no one, no medicine can help you get through it more easily or understand all the emotions you are experiencing. Having your social support around with your surviving loved ones doesn't make this process less painful, but it can help you get through it more easily. What you have to do is feel the pain, experience the grief, grieve and express it. We live in a society where emotions have little opportunity to express. Emotions wait to be expressed. Whether through art, poetry or word… They expect to be expressed in some way.
R.A. Merve SEVEN
References
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2009). The five stages of grief. In
Library of Congress Catalogin in Publication Data (Ed.), On grief and grieving (pp. 7-30).
Volkan, V. D., & Zintly, E. (2018).
Kayıptan sonra yaşam:''komplike yas ve tedavisi''. Pusula Yayıncılık.
